whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
