You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
