we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
