I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
