I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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