piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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