I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
