I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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