I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
