guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Found the puke drawer
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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