If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
