Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
