i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
