I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my shit smells like andre
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
