Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
