well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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