If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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