Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
