I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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