pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
