I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
