true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
