your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Holy shit dude........stairs
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
