I didn't shave. On purpose
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
