I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
