I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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