U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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