can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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