It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
