He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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