That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
