Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
