Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
