every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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