Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
