Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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