the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
