i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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