i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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