I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
