hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
