Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
