Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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