You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
