I bet he comes in French.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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