Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
