i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i think i have two assholes
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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