How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
