maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
