we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
