The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
