the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
