so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
