Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
now i know why i became what i already was.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
