why didn't you poke me back
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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