How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
