Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
