I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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